I have some bad news. This news will forever taint your view of Nickelodeon, cartoons in general, and possibly your childhood.
Spongebob Squarepants is actually a tampon. I will allow you time to soak that in.
I have proof of this fact (that’s right, fact, not theory).
First, he works at the Krusty Krab, so we immediately start out with the knowledge that this woman is a hussy.
Second, he lives in Bikini Bottom.
Third, his boss has a sperm whale daughter. Her name is Pearl, which is a type of tampon itself.
Fourth, his closest friend Patrick resembles an asshole. His next closest friend is named Sandy Cheeks.
Finally, if you’ve ever seen a medical diagram of a vagina, and then looked at Spongebob’s pineapple home, you will get chills down your spine. It’s quite disturbing.
Now, I apologize for having to spoil the fact that this sponge is actually soaking up not salt water, but something far more colorful. Just pray they never release an episode entitled “Red Tide”.
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