If you decide an individual is worth stalking, you really want to leave a good impression. With the arrival of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and other stalking-made-easy networking sites, the quality of stalking has truly gone down the shitter. For the sake of all stalking victims, I have decided to finally gift the world with the guide to be a memorable stalker worthy of your target’s fear and restraining orders.
The Distant, Longing Stares: We start out with the classic stalking. For the amateur, this involves following your beloved, generally at least half a block behind them or parking near their home. However, this won’t really let her know how much you care. For the professional, this takes homemade ghillie suits, digital video cameras, and camelbacks of RedBull to consume as you wait for her to walk up the steps to her apartment building. I also recommend a colostomy bag to ensure you are at your post at all times.
The Introduction: So, through various methods, you’ve memorized her routes, schedules, license plate, mother’s maiden name, social security number, and you’ve Low-Jacked her Altima ; now it’s time to properly introduce yourself. Though breaking and entering is not a bad way to get into her life, I recommend you actually keep your distance for the first short while. You already used the B&E to find out her information anyway, and you don’t want to make her suspect that it was you who ransacked her dorm room. Keep it to chance encounters; at 7-11, passing on the street, going into where she works, or sitting a few seats from her since you planned your classes so that you two have all the same ones. Hey, study groups are a good place to get to know her. After a while, you can plan a chance to hang out. With your suave moves, you may be able to ask her to a meal or other social function. This requires you to not pass out at her acknowledgement of your existence.
The Courtship: It’s been a few months now, and she seems to not be completely repulsed by you. Or maybe she is, but hey, she’ll come around. Anyways, it’s time to start the ancient art of courtship. I find that gifts like her own cat a week and a half after it “ran away” are excellent at winning her affection, as well as much needed practice for your lock picking skills. Present it to her at her home after you talk in class about how you found it on the street. Sending her “sweet nothings” work well, also. Try poetry written in squirrel blood; it shows both your artistic side and your devotion to her, since you were willing to murder small rodents in her name. Do not, under any circumstances, jumble these two gifts together. Haikus written in her own beloved pet’s blood are extremely counterproductive, and may end up with PETA protests and indictments.
The Final Stages: By now, you have either sparked her interest in you or aren’t allowed within 200 feet of her home, work, or person. I must note that restraining orders are just her way of testing your love for her; only through persistence will she come to believe that you meant all those beautiful LiveJournal posts and mammal-fluid poetry you wrote for her. At this point, your relationship will end one of two ways: time in the state penitentiary or beautiful marriage. The former leads us nowhere, so we’ll assume the latter. She had fallen for your social awkwardness and lurking demeanor, you have endeared her to your silent brooding, and she even deals with the 48 pictures you take of her daily and post online. From here, it’s all on you to not scare her off with gratuitous cuddling, jealous rage, or paranoid inquisitions.
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