They’re hard to find, quality wingmen. Despite this, you are also probably expecting a bit too much from the ones you are using. A wingman’s mission isn’t to get you laid; that’s your job. A good wingman merely acquires you the opportunity to convince a woman that a night spent with you is something she won’t entirely regret in the morning, or at least good enough conversation to leave her phone number with before she leaves the party. However, I feel it’s my civic duty to finally reveal the sacred tradition of wingman.
First, there are two routes to take: the instigator and the initiator. The former is essentially the villain, be it creepy stalker guy by the keg, the shallow narcissist that constantly needs to be the center of attention, or even the horrifying asshole that defends all the wrong dictators of history and then calls someone at the party “thunder thighs”. This type has a two-fold benefit, making you look better by comparison and being able to spark conversation, generally starting with “What’s up with that guy?” However, more often than not, this wingman is going back home to loneliness and Handrea.
The second route is generally more effective, and since you will sometimes get some random individual that is naturally the instigator at the party anyway, the initiator is the best way to go. It takes some cohones and charisma, but if you can find someone that has what it takes, you’d be quite surprised on the results. The initiator’s job is to begin a conversation with someone, and somehow work their friend (or the “Maverick” or “star”, or any other title you wish to use) into the discussion. It may take time, but it will eventually happen smoothly. Generally, this wingman needs to know several topics that the star knows enough about to hold a decent conversation with a person. This MUST NOT include politics, religion, philosophy, or online gaming. Good example topics are concerts or personal work/life experiences (road trips, etc). If at a party or other gathering, the wingman can then call the star over to join in the exchange; my personal favorite is “Oh, yeah? (Maverick’s name) and I were talking about that earlier. (to Mav) Hey, (name), what were you telling me about (subject) again?” They saunter over and join in the conversation, and in the next five minutes, you find a reason to leave, returning to drop off a pair of beers so the two don’t have to go anywhere for a short while, and continue to find other things to do. From here on out, Goose is running distraction, either keeping other guys busy or ensuring the homely friend is at least enjoying herself.
Surprisingly, it is significantly easier to be the wingman for the opposite gender. This way, I am approaching people of the same gender, and they aren’t initially defensive at my engaging them. Also, instead of chatting up the homely friend, I get to talk to the female star’s competition, who are more often than not at least semi-attractive women who weasel their way into the conversation the star and her prey are having and try to hit on the star’s target. It’s quite easy to reenter the exchange because I started it and I already know one of the participants. Placing myself between the competition and the prey, I keep her distracted as the other two slowly back away. At this point, I can abandon this bitch and return to cock redirecting.
Bars, however, are a different ordeal altogether. Here, the competition for estrogen is fiercer and it is quite easy to get utterly shithoused. At these locales, you aren’t so much starting discussion as you are steering them through avenues that welcome others to join, allowed the wingwomen of other groups to utilize your openings. This requires a bit of eavesdropping, then adapting the debates of your own friends in order to intrigue the women to join in. Once this has taken place, interruption from other groups is minimal, and you can relax your guard.
Through not technically required in the job description, there are other duties an exceptionally nice wingman can take upon himself. Keeping your star sober enough to perform or not make an ass out of himself is always appreciated, though usually not that night. Being the DD is nice, but this act removes the “I need to grab another beer” excuse to leave discussions, and now you need to find a new reason to leave conversations. Generally, this means going to talk to other people, leaving prey (or homely friends) with the feeling that they are boring or unimpressive, and that feeling should be reserved for your star’s competition.
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